FTD: How can I help you?
Me: I ordered flowers for my wife on Valentine’s Day, and they were never delivered. I got an email saying they were, but they weren’t.
FTD: Let me check on that for you. *long, long pause* Yes, it says here your order was delivered at 12:47 pm on Friday.
Me: Sure. Except it wasn’t.
FTD: Let me contact our florist and see what I can find out. *long, long, long hold* Okay, sir?
FTD: Okay, I spoke with our florist, and you’re right, the order was not delivered.
FTD: We’re sorry you didn’t receive an email telling you the order wasn’t delivered.
Me: …That’s actually not the problem.
Me: The problem is that the order wasn’t delivered.
FTD: Of course. And we’re sorry you didn’t get that email.
FTD: So what would you like us to do with the order?
Me: Well, why wasn’t it delivered? And why did I get an email saying it was?
FTD: I don’t know.
Me: You don’t know.
FTD: Would you like me to find out?
Me: OH WHY YES THAT WOULD BE GREAT
FTD: Just a moment. *longest of long holds* Okay, sir?
FTD: Okay, I don’t know.
Me: You don’t know why the order wasn’t delivered?
Me: And you don’t know why I got an email saying it was when it wasn’t?
Me: Your company took my money, lied to me, and you have no explanation?
FTD: What would like us to do with the order?
SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS Just give me my money back.
FTD: Okay. You’ll get an email confirming your refund.
Me: Sure I will.
FTD: Is there anything else I can help you with?
Me: You didn’t help me with this.
I got an email saying I’ll get my refund. But then I’ll got an email saying my wife got her flowers. So.
Never give these clowns your money.
Sometimes, when I watch an episode of The Daily Show on my DVR, it opens with the last thirty seconds of the episode of South Park that aired before it. Viewing the last thirty seconds of an episode of South Park, utterly devoid of context, is a master class in surrealism.
I think this will be the only way I’ll watch South Park from now on.
A quick, side-by-side comparison of Eminem’s 2000 release The Marshall Mathers LP with his newest, The Marshall Mathers LP 2.
Your sad attempt to intimidate voters will not succeed.
Hiram McDaniels: bad for business. Bad for education. Bad for Night Vale. Literally a five-headed dragon.